Lilly was sick for about the first 15 days of this month. She had a nasty cold and a horrible cough. She went to the doctor. She threw up at daycare a few times. I thought I was going to die if I heard that cough one more time. It was so painful to see her sick and miserable. I spent many nights sitting up in bed holding her so she could breathe. I was so glad to kiss that cold goodbye. Once she started feeling better things started to get a little crazy.
I could hardly get Lilly to nurse last weekend. She was so distracted and would only nurse for a minute here and there.
Monday morning came and I was in the kitchen while Mike showered and Lilly slept. I went back into the bedroom to find Lilly standing up in her crib. I was so startled that I screamed! She hadn't been able to figure out how to sit up from laying flat but I guess she woke up and decided today is the day! I was so proud! But with every milestone comes an emotional reaction too. My baby is growing up! She continued to do it over and over. Mike lowered the crib.
I picked Lilly up from daycare and once again she refused to nurse. By 7:00 she still hadn't nursed even though I offered a million times. I decided to warm up a bottle and she guzzled it down. Let me repeat that sentence. Lilly guzzled a bottle... from me... instead of nursing...
I was in shock. Lilly never takes bottles from me and she never refuses to nurse. I cried. Mike was at a meeting. I cried some more when he got home. Could this be the end? Lilly fell asleep in her crib. Around 11:00 Mike woke me up and pointed. Lilly was sitting up smiling at us. That little stinker. She did nurse in the middle of the night and Tuesday morning.
Tuesday night went the same way. Lilly was not interested in nursing. I gave her another bottle. Mike rocked her to sleep. I felt a tad bit jealous.
By Wednesday night I was convinced that Lilly was self-weaning. I had to use my last bag of milk from the freezer stash. I stared at the empty freezer. I couldn't believe it was all gone. I was pumping much less at work since she was nursing less. I knew that if this continued I was going to have to start supplementing her bottles and mix in some regular milk. I got some advice from some mommy friends on how to go about doing this. I cried some more. I kept thinking about the first time I nursed Lilly. It is a moment that I will cherish forever. It was perfect. I was in awe of her. She held my finger with her little hand. Tears fell down my face onto her fresh new baby skin. I was so in love. I will never forget that moment. It felt so right and natural and I knew it was something we would be doing for a long time. And now we were coming to the end of our journey. How did we get here so quickly?
Thursday afternoon we went to the grocery store to buy some organic whole milk. I had pumped enough for daycare for the following day but if Lilly took another bottle that night I was going to have to replace some milk with the organic milk. I carefully read the labels on each carton until I found what I thought was the best. I teared up in line. By the time I got to the car it was a full out cry. I wanted so badly to make it to our goal of 1 year before I offered anything other than breastmilk. I felt so disappointed. Was it something I did?
That night Lilly nursed herself to sleep with no bottle. I felt so relieved but I wasn't sure if we were in the clear just yet. I was worried about the weekend and not being able to pump enough if she didn't want to nurse.
Well, she must of missed her two breastfriends because she has been nursing with no bottles all weekend. I gave Lilly more bottles in this one week than I've ever given her! I'm hoping this was just a phase and Lilly was so distracted because of all the new and fun things she has learned this week. On top of learning how to get up, she is now pulling up on everything and cruising around the furniture. She is a completely different baby than she was last week. Maybe she will be taking some steps by her birthday after all.
I moved the carton of milk to the back of the fridge so it wasn't staring me in the face every time I opened it. Hopefully we won't have to use it for a few more weeks. Even though my goal was a year, I'm not sure if I am ready for this. I'm just going to follow Lilly's cues and see what she wants to do. If i have to start supplementing then it won't be the end of the world. But if she wants to go longer than a year then I am totally down! Nurse on!
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