Mother May I

Remember that blog I posted, The No Cry Sleep Solution? Yeah, we can throw that one out the window. There has been a lot of changes going on lately. These are changes that needed to happen and they have made things so much better! I knew we had to do something when I picked up Lilly from daycare one day last week. I usually talk to her all the way home. That day I didn't say a word. I was so exhausted from the night before. I couldn't even find the energy to ask her how her day was. I needed sleep. That realization slapped me in the face so hard that I'm pretty sure my grandma felt it.

My last post stated that we were going to start keeping Lilly in her crib and letting her learn how to soothe herself back to sleep. Co-sleeping was not working for us anymore because Lilly was waking up multiple times a night and wanting to nurse back to sleep, just for comfort. I emailed my sister-in-law and asked for advice. She told me exactly what they did with Cole and how much it has helped. Jenn said something that really hit home. She said that when they decided to let Cole learn how to self soothe it was like she needed permission from somebody. In her case it was her sister-in-law that walked her through it. This was so true for me. I felt like I needed permission to do what we were about to do. Jenn granted me that permission.

Night one- Last Sunday was our first attempt at keeping Lilly in her crib. I nursed her until she was almost asleep and laid her down. She immediately started crying. Crap. I took a nice long shower and Mike stood over Lilly and rubbed her. When I got out of the shower she was still fussing. Crap. We turned on the baby monitor and left the room. She stopped crying a few minutes later. We survived. Lilly wasn't even crying real tears. It was more of a "I'm so mad at you" cry. Lilly woke up 3 times that night. I nursed her once. But all I had to do the other times were reach my hand through the crib and rub her and she would go right back to sleep. I knew in the morning that Lilly would hate me. I was so worried that she would be in a bad mood but the complete opposite happened. Lilly was the happiest she had been in a long time in the morning! This showed us that she had slept much better in her crib!

Night two- Mike had a meeting Monday night so bedtime was all on me. Crap. I just knew she was going to cry and cry and I was going to cave in. I nursed her and laid her down and waited for the world to end BUT she fell right asleep. No crying. No tears. IT WAS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!! She woke up twice that night and went right back to sleep with no issues. I have never slept so good in my whole life. I felt like a brand new person.

Night 3- Lilly slept until 3:45am people! This was almost an 8 hour stretch. I nursed her and she went right back to sleep. Amazing.

Every night has continued to be about the same. She wakes up twice at the most but it's not for long. I am hoping that she can stay on this schedule as best we can while we are home visiting family for the holidays. She also continues to wake up happy and well rested in the mornings.

I definitely thought this process was going to be absolutely horrible. I had painted this awful picture in my head about letting Lilly cry and self soothe. A lot of that came from reading stuff online. I think reading and learning is awesome and super helpful but sometimes it can do the opposite. I read stories of babies throwing up in their cribs from crying so much. Yeah, not the best thing to read! But we had our own technique of how we were going to do this. We stay and rub her if we need to. She has a toy that plays soft music that helps soothe her. We give ourselves time limits as to how long we will let her fuss. We would never ignore her and let her cry herself sick. That's just not a realistic picture of how this works. And I know that now. Lilly has gone from waking and nursing 5+ times a night to waking once or twice. And it's only been a week! Another thing that really helped me stay strong was that I had a few people that I was texting each morning to let them know about our night. This held me accountable! And they were so encouraging! So thank you Amy and mom! You have helped me in so many ways!

This was something that I had to be 100% ready to do. I couldn't have done this even a day earlier than we did. Each day I am learning more and more and trusting those mommy instincts. I have also learned to never say never. Things are going to come up and your initial opinion about things will change. And that is OKAY. It is all part of the learning process!

So proud of our Lilly Bug!

Mommy Meltdown

99.9% of mommy hood has been AMAZING! We are blessed beyond belief to have sweet Lilly. She is such a happy and beautiful baby. We shopped for 3 straight hours on Saturday and she was just as happy as she could be strolling around the mall. We picked her up from the church nursery today and they told us she was the happiest baby in there. She gives us the best smiles and laughs. She is most definitely our favorite person. So what about that other .1%... As much as I hate admitting this... Sometimes being a parent (and a new parent at that) can be hard. I don't know why that's hard to say? Everybody knows it's true. I hit a rough patch this week. I said things I NEVER thought I would say. And my wonderful husband was right there to pull me back up.

As you all know, Lilly is the worst sleeper on the planet. We are going on month 3 of no sleep. MONTH 3!!! That one month where she slept through the night was a cruel joke. I've read books. I've done research. I've asked other mommies. I truly believe that Lilly associates nursing with sleep. So every time she wakes up at night she immediately thinks she needs to nurse. So I spend most of my nights nursing her back to sleep. Thursday night I tried a little experiment. She fell asleep at 7:45. I pumped a small bottle and had it ready. She woke up at 9:15. She starts out with a whine that will turn into a full out cry. I picked her up and tried the bottle. That was one pissed baby. She wanted nothing to do with the bottle. So I laid her next to me and let her cry. Yep... I refused to nurse her. Gasp! I knew she wasn't hungry. I patted her belly. She fell back asleep within 20 minutes. This was a huge breakthrough!!! She fell asleep without nursing!!!! But she preceded to wake up at 2, 3, 4, and 5:30... This was my breaking point. I felt so frustrated and hopeless. Nobody else's baby is doing this! She gets plenty of milk and food during the day. She just has no idea how to put herself back to sleep. And I blame myself for this. This is what I have to teach her.

I left for work feeling super emotional. During my planning period I went into my little room where I pump. I had a text from Mike asking me if I was ok. And then it just all came out like one huge therapy session. I told him how frustrated I was that Lilly wasn't sleeping well... how my back is sore from the way I have to sleep... how I feel like nobody can relate to this... And then I said the worst thing of all. I told him I was beginning to hate breastfeeding and that I was just so over it. That's when Mike said the most encouraging words to me. They were the most perfect words said at the most perfect time.

"But think of all the good you have done for Lilly by breastfeeding. Babe don't get discouraged you are an outstanding mommy. This is just a tiny obstacle we will overcome. I will help you. You have done what benefits Lilly the most!"

And then I start crying in my little pumping closet.

There is no way I would have made it this far without Mike. The way he has supported me and guided me throughout this process has been absolutely amazing. Lilly has brought out a side of my husband that I've never seen before. And it all started the second she was born. He changed every single diaper at that hospital. He was right there beside me every time it was feeding time. He treats Lilly like a little princess. He can even make her laugh while cleaning out her nose. He is my rock. And I don't tell him that enough.

This IS just a tiny obstacle that we will overcome. Lilly will learn how to sleep in her own bed without nursing. I will sleep again too. And all will be right with the world... Until our next obstacle arises. We are going to focus on keeping her in the crib and letting her learn how to soothe herself back to sleep. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be worth it.

And I don't hate breastfeeding. :-)

I Saw The Sign

Ever since i started this blog, I find myself writing blogs in my head all of the time. I have a lot of ideas and topics for future blogs. There is one topic I've been thinking about a lot recently but had no ending. Today I got that ending that I needed.

Every morning (and yes I mean every) I ask myself and God the same questions as I leave my house for work: Why am I leaving Lilly? Why do I have to work. Why can't I be a stay at home mommy? It's been even worse the past few weeks as Lilly has started crying some mornings as I leave. I answer those questions the only way I know how... I tell myself that God has a plan for me and if I was suppose to be at home full time with Lilly then I would be. This helps me to move forward, walk outside, start my car, and drive to work (after kissing Lilly goodbye for the 100th time). But I wanted something more. I wanted a sign. I needed something to happen so that I could say, "Ohhhhh, so this is why I'm teaching this year".

Our school is practicing Sean Covey's 7 Habits of Happy Kids (google it). We had a staff development meeting about it today. It was an eye opening experience. To make a long story short, these kids need so much more than just a teacher. They need a leader, a friend, a mentor, and a momma. They need hugs. They need to be told that their art work is beautiful. They need someone to put their hair in a ponytail. Some of them need food. They need to feel safe. They need to feel loved and important. Some of my kids get these things at home all of the time, but some of my kids only get these things at school. And God has chosen me to be a part of these children's lives. This is why I have to go to work. This is why I have to leave sweet Lilly every morning. It's never going to be easy to leave in the morning but I have to remember that God has a plan for me. God has a plan for all of us. I just have to have faith in him. I have to look at the bigger picture. I've been so consumed with feeling guilty for leaving Lilly and thinking "why me" that I failed to see all of these signs that were right in front of my face.

So tomorrow morning as I stall to leave and go to give Lilly one more kiss, I will try not to feel sad. I will try to remember that every thing happens for a reason. And I will think about the other 18 kids that will be waiting for me at school.