Mommy Meltdown

99.9% of mommy hood has been AMAZING! We are blessed beyond belief to have sweet Lilly. She is such a happy and beautiful baby. We shopped for 3 straight hours on Saturday and she was just as happy as she could be strolling around the mall. We picked her up from the church nursery today and they told us she was the happiest baby in there. She gives us the best smiles and laughs. She is most definitely our favorite person. So what about that other .1%... As much as I hate admitting this... Sometimes being a parent (and a new parent at that) can be hard. I don't know why that's hard to say? Everybody knows it's true. I hit a rough patch this week. I said things I NEVER thought I would say. And my wonderful husband was right there to pull me back up.

As you all know, Lilly is the worst sleeper on the planet. We are going on month 3 of no sleep. MONTH 3!!! That one month where she slept through the night was a cruel joke. I've read books. I've done research. I've asked other mommies. I truly believe that Lilly associates nursing with sleep. So every time she wakes up at night she immediately thinks she needs to nurse. So I spend most of my nights nursing her back to sleep. Thursday night I tried a little experiment. She fell asleep at 7:45. I pumped a small bottle and had it ready. She woke up at 9:15. She starts out with a whine that will turn into a full out cry. I picked her up and tried the bottle. That was one pissed baby. She wanted nothing to do with the bottle. So I laid her next to me and let her cry. Yep... I refused to nurse her. Gasp! I knew she wasn't hungry. I patted her belly. She fell back asleep within 20 minutes. This was a huge breakthrough!!! She fell asleep without nursing!!!! But she preceded to wake up at 2, 3, 4, and 5:30... This was my breaking point. I felt so frustrated and hopeless. Nobody else's baby is doing this! She gets plenty of milk and food during the day. She just has no idea how to put herself back to sleep. And I blame myself for this. This is what I have to teach her.

I left for work feeling super emotional. During my planning period I went into my little room where I pump. I had a text from Mike asking me if I was ok. And then it just all came out like one huge therapy session. I told him how frustrated I was that Lilly wasn't sleeping well... how my back is sore from the way I have to sleep... how I feel like nobody can relate to this... And then I said the worst thing of all. I told him I was beginning to hate breastfeeding and that I was just so over it. That's when Mike said the most encouraging words to me. They were the most perfect words said at the most perfect time.

"But think of all the good you have done for Lilly by breastfeeding. Babe don't get discouraged you are an outstanding mommy. This is just a tiny obstacle we will overcome. I will help you. You have done what benefits Lilly the most!"

And then I start crying in my little pumping closet.

There is no way I would have made it this far without Mike. The way he has supported me and guided me throughout this process has been absolutely amazing. Lilly has brought out a side of my husband that I've never seen before. And it all started the second she was born. He changed every single diaper at that hospital. He was right there beside me every time it was feeding time. He treats Lilly like a little princess. He can even make her laugh while cleaning out her nose. He is my rock. And I don't tell him that enough.

This IS just a tiny obstacle that we will overcome. Lilly will learn how to sleep in her own bed without nursing. I will sleep again too. And all will be right with the world... Until our next obstacle arises. We are going to focus on keeping her in the crib and letting her learn how to soothe herself back to sleep. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be worth it.

And I don't hate breastfeeding. :-)

I Saw The Sign

Ever since i started this blog, I find myself writing blogs in my head all of the time. I have a lot of ideas and topics for future blogs. There is one topic I've been thinking about a lot recently but had no ending. Today I got that ending that I needed.

Every morning (and yes I mean every) I ask myself and God the same questions as I leave my house for work: Why am I leaving Lilly? Why do I have to work. Why can't I be a stay at home mommy? It's been even worse the past few weeks as Lilly has started crying some mornings as I leave. I answer those questions the only way I know how... I tell myself that God has a plan for me and if I was suppose to be at home full time with Lilly then I would be. This helps me to move forward, walk outside, start my car, and drive to work (after kissing Lilly goodbye for the 100th time). But I wanted something more. I wanted a sign. I needed something to happen so that I could say, "Ohhhhh, so this is why I'm teaching this year".

Our school is practicing Sean Covey's 7 Habits of Happy Kids (google it). We had a staff development meeting about it today. It was an eye opening experience. To make a long story short, these kids need so much more than just a teacher. They need a leader, a friend, a mentor, and a momma. They need hugs. They need to be told that their art work is beautiful. They need someone to put their hair in a ponytail. Some of them need food. They need to feel safe. They need to feel loved and important. Some of my kids get these things at home all of the time, but some of my kids only get these things at school. And God has chosen me to be a part of these children's lives. This is why I have to go to work. This is why I have to leave sweet Lilly every morning. It's never going to be easy to leave in the morning but I have to remember that God has a plan for me. God has a plan for all of us. I just have to have faith in him. I have to look at the bigger picture. I've been so consumed with feeling guilty for leaving Lilly and thinking "why me" that I failed to see all of these signs that were right in front of my face.

So tomorrow morning as I stall to leave and go to give Lilly one more kiss, I will try not to feel sad. I will try to remember that every thing happens for a reason. And I will think about the other 18 kids that will be waiting for me at school.

The No Cry Sleep Solution

A while back I posted about Lilly's sleep habits. She went from sleeping all night in her rocker to waking up multiple times throughout the night while trying to transition her into the crib. We have been co-sleeping for about 2 months. Even though her crib is 2 feet from our bed we couldn't find the energy to keep getting up. We also lacked a consistent night time routine. Lilly would fall asleep anywhere between 7:30-9:30. This is when the research began!

We absolutely did not want to try the CIO (cry it out) method. One reason is because I have walked into daycare on occasion to find Lilly crying in her crib because she's "sleepy". If she's doing this at daycare I definitely don't want her to do it at night. That's too much crying for that sweet little face. Also, our job as parents is to comfort and soothe- even at 2 am. When I'm upset about something Mike hugs me and comforts me. He makes sure I'm ok. He doesn't leave me to cry by myself. So why would we expect Lilly to be left alone to soothe herself? I've read where so many parents have tried CIO and it worked after a few days but then a week later they were right back at square one. Nope, not doing it!

Don't get me wrong.. When you are sleep deprived you are desperate to try anything. I definitely thought about trying CIO. People do have success with it. I attempted this one night for about 15 minutes and it was absolutely awful. All of these opinions were formed AFTER I started reading all about sleep training. Then it just made sense to us not to go that route.

And then I found the book, The No Cry Sleep Solution. I feel like she wrote the book just for me. It took me some time to finish it. I only had time to read while I pumped at work. Some things we have tried already and have found immediate success. Other things we haven't even attempted yet. If I was a stay at home mom it would be super easy to apply all of the suggestions because I wouldn't have to get out of my pj's the next day. But I have to get up at 5:30 and go teach 18 second graders...

Sooooo, here is what I've learned so far and what has worked so far!

Starting at about 5:30 we begin the nighttime routine. Lilly eats some dinner, gets a bath if she needs one, puts her pj's on, reads some books and plays in a quite area without a lot of bright lights, and then nurses and falls asleep. We didn't really have this routine in place before. We would play and jack her up and then struggle to put her to sleep. She now falls asleep without much work.

Now, getting her to stay asleep is what we are still working on. Lilly has associated nursing with helping her sleep. So when she wakes up in the middle of the night she wonders where the boob is and immediately starts looking for it. So I spend a lot of time nursing at night because it's a quick fix. She goes right back to sleep and I don't even have to get out of bed. I'm sure it would be a lot easier if lilly took a paci. This is what I need to work on. The book offers many suggestions for this very situation.

So now I just need to decide if I want to keep things the same or really dive into this 100%. I'm just trying to enjoy this time regardless because it's happening so fast. The most important thing is that I'm meeting all of Lilly's needs.

Happy Thanksgiving

Well, Lilly has officially celebrated her first Thanksgiving. It will be hard to top this one! She started her day with Cousin Cole while the daddies went hunting. They are so precious together. I think Lilly was jealous that she couldn't run around like Cole. After a nice nap in D-daddy's arms we rode up to the farm for the annual Siegner Thanksgiving lunch. Lilly met some new cousins and listened to her Uncle Chad break it down on the banjo. She got lots of hugs, kisses, and snuggles. Then she took nap #2 on the way over to the Stec's annual Thanksgiving dinner where she got even more hugs, kisses, and snuggles.

I am so thankful that we are able to spend these special holidays with both of our families. Not everybody is this lucky. Lilly is so blessed to have such a wonderful family that loves her unconditionally. I am so happy that God chose me to be Lilly's mommy. This is something that I thank him for every night. She makes a bad day wonderful. She brings so much joy and love into my heart on a daily basis. She is my everything and I love her to the moon and back.

Now, who's ready for Christmas!!! :-)

Sweet Memories

I was folding up some laundry yesterday and Lilly was in her bouncer. I was trying to fold some sheets and I waved them up in the air and let them fall down so I could get the sides even. Lilly laughed and laughed at this! My mind immediately went back to one of my childhood memories... Something I probably haven't thought about in 20 years. I remember my mom trying to fold up the sheets and she would throw them in the air like a parachute and let me run all over them and stomp on the air bubbles until they were flat. I can't believe I had forgotten about that but I also can't believe how one little action can spark a 20 year old memory. I can't wait to make so many new memories with Lilly Bug.

This is why I started this blog. I want to document all of these precious memories. I already barely remember Lilly as a newborn (or what I ate for breakfast for that matter). Lilly got to spend a whole afternoon with her pal Emma yesterday. We gave Lil some of Emma's puffs to try and she liked them so we got her some today at the store. After eating some peaches (another first) I broke some puffs up in little pieces (yes, first time mom syndrome at its finest) and that little booger picked them up and put them in her mouth!! My baby was feeding herself! Seriously, where the heck is that time machine!

I Want My Mommy!

The best place to cry is in your mothers arms. This is more true for me today than its ever been. I can be completely fine until I hear my moms voice on the other end of the phone and then i turn into a sobbing mess. She knows me so well.

Lilly woke up with a fever Sunday night. She had a runny nose and a cough. I stayed home with her on Monday and she had a fever on and off. Early Tuesday morning her fever got up to 102.8. I took her to the doctor to get her checked out. She had an upper respiratory infection. They told me to just keep giving Tylenol for her fever. She didn't have anymore fevers that day and slept a lot so I thought she was finally feeling better.

Tuesday night Lilly started acting fussy and uncomfortable and kept scratching her head. We were up with her from 2:00-5:00. Around 6:30am we noticed that her head was very red and covered in scratches from her itching it. Nothing we did could calm her down. We felt so helpless and just wanted to soothe her. I started saying those crazy prayers that go like this: Dear God, you can give me Lilly's rash and make it 10x worse just so she can feel better. She didn't even want to nurse! My little nursing queen would pull off and scream. The cure all was not working! I probably looked like a robot that had short circuited.

So what do you do when you are all out of answers? You call your momma! And that is exactly what I did at 6:30 am. I could barely speak I was so upset. I just wanted Lilly to feel better. Then my mom said 4 little words that made it all better- "I'll be right there"

I took Lilly back to the doctor right when they opened. They checked her ears again and even did some blood work but everything was negative. By this point her head was so red and itchy that she couldn't keep her hands off of it and she was screaming. My heart broke into a million pieces. They just told me that the rash was caused from her fever and that it was very common and they sent me on my way.

When my mom got to our house I felt so relieved! She even brought groceries and made her famous chicken-pot-pie and some chili. She put a cool washcloth on Lilly's head and that seemed to help. She sent me off to take a nap.

Lilly was still very uncomfortable the rest of the day but my mom reassured me that she was going to be ok. She stayed up with Lilly until 2 in the morning so we could sleep.

The next day Lilly seemed so much better. I was able to go back to work. Lilly slept a lot and her head was finally looking better. She was still scratching it on and off but seemed much more relaxed. My mom took her out shopping that afternoon and got Lilly a new toy! This time we sent my mom off to take a nap and Lilly slept great that night.

My mom left Friday and Lilly was able to go to daycare. I was sad to see her go. I don't know what I would do without my mom. She can still kiss my boo boo's and make everything better. And more importantly, she shows me what kind of mother I need to be to Lilly. What the daughter does, the mother did.

Over The Hump

Lilly is 7 months old today. Lilly is 7 months old today. Lilly is 7 months old today. Yep, doesn't matter how much I say it, it just doesn't seem real. How can 7 months go by so quickly? She is now on the older side of a babies first year. Can't I just pretend she is still 6 months old for the next few months just like a 42 year old woman still celebrates her 39th birthday every year? I know, I know... I should be excited that Lilly is growing and learning so much! And I truly am! It is amazing to watch her grow and she is SO MUCH FUN! But this didn't stop me from crying yesterday as I packed away her newborn clothes. I found her hat from the hospital and the outfit she came home in. Waterworks!

These are just a few milestones (or lillystones) that she has achieved over the past 7 months and fun facts:

Rolling over
Sitting up
Rocking- if I'm not rocking I'm sleeping
Laughing- anything daddy does is funny
Talking- baba, mama, dada, and gurgling
Grabbing and holding toys
No teeth
Has only had 2 colds and a few fevers
Foods so far- oatmeal, sweet potatoes, and avocado
Sleep schedule- I'm a work in progress!
Favorite toy- Scout and my new squeaky blocks
Weight- A little over 16 lbs
Favorite activity- nursing... Yep definitely still my favorite thing to do
Hair- can't wear my bows yet
Nicknames my crazy parents call me- peanut, peanut head, peanut butter, sweet girl, sweetie, sweetie pie, LG, pumpkin, pumpkin head, miss priss... This list could go on and on!

We love our little peanut head!