Is This the End?

February... the shortest month of the year and a very emotional one for me. Lilly has decided to cram as many milestones into this month as she possibly can. Let me start from the beginning.

Lilly was sick for about the first 15 days of this month. She had a nasty cold and a horrible cough. She went to the doctor. She threw up at daycare a few times. I thought I was going to die if I heard that cough one more time. It was so painful to see her sick and miserable. I spent many nights sitting up in bed holding her so she could breathe. I was so glad to kiss that cold goodbye. Once she started feeling better things started to get a little crazy.

I could hardly get Lilly to nurse last weekend. She was so distracted and would only nurse for a minute here and there.

Monday morning came and I was in the kitchen while Mike showered and Lilly slept. I went back into the bedroom to find Lilly standing up in her crib. I was so startled that I screamed! She hadn't been able to figure out how to sit up from laying flat but I guess she woke up and decided today is the day! I was so proud! But with every milestone comes an emotional reaction too. My baby is growing up! She continued to do it over and over. Mike lowered the crib.

I picked Lilly up from daycare and once again she refused to nurse. By 7:00 she still hadn't nursed even though I offered a million times. I decided to warm up a bottle and she guzzled it down. Let me repeat that sentence. Lilly guzzled a bottle... from me... instead of nursing...

I was in shock. Lilly never takes bottles from me and she never refuses to nurse. I cried. Mike was at a meeting. I cried some more when he got home. Could this be the end? Lilly fell asleep in her crib. Around 11:00 Mike woke me up and pointed. Lilly was sitting up smiling at us. That little stinker. She did nurse in the middle of the night and Tuesday morning.

Tuesday night went the same way. Lilly was not interested in nursing. I gave her another bottle. Mike rocked her to sleep. I felt a tad bit jealous.

By Wednesday night I was convinced that Lilly was self-weaning. I had to use my last bag of milk from the freezer stash. I stared at the empty freezer. I couldn't believe it was all gone. I was pumping much less at work since she was nursing less. I knew that if this continued I was going to have to start supplementing her bottles and mix in some regular milk. I got some advice from some mommy friends on how to go about doing this. I cried some more. I kept thinking about the first time I nursed Lilly. It is a moment that I will cherish forever. It was perfect. I was in awe of her. She held my finger with her little hand. Tears fell down my face onto her fresh new baby skin. I was so in love. I will never forget that moment. It felt so right and natural and I knew it was something we would be doing for a long time. And now we were coming to the end of our journey. How did we get here so quickly?

Thursday afternoon we went to the grocery store to buy some organic whole milk. I had pumped enough for daycare for the following day but if Lilly took another bottle that night I was going to have to replace some milk with the organic milk. I carefully read the labels on each carton until I found what I thought was the best. I teared up in line. By the time I got to the car it was a full out cry. I wanted so badly to make it to our goal of 1 year before I offered anything other than breastmilk. I felt so disappointed. Was it something I did?

That night Lilly nursed herself to sleep with no bottle. I felt so relieved but I wasn't sure if we were in the clear just yet. I was worried about the weekend and not being able to pump enough if she didn't want to nurse.

Well, she must of missed her two breastfriends because she has been nursing with no bottles all weekend. I gave Lilly more bottles in this one week than I've ever given her! I'm hoping this was just a phase and Lilly was so distracted because of all the new and fun things she has learned this week. On top of learning how to get up, she is now pulling up on everything and cruising around the furniture. She is a completely different baby than she was last week. Maybe she will be taking some steps by her birthday after all.

I moved the carton of milk to the back of the fridge so it wasn't staring me in the face every time I opened it. Hopefully we won't have to use it for a few more weeks. Even though my goal was a year, I'm not sure if I am ready for this. I'm just going to follow Lilly's cues and see what she wants to do. If i have to start supplementing then it won't be the end of the world. But if she wants to go longer than a year then I am totally down! Nurse on!

Double Digits

Well... Lilly is 10 months old. 10 months. Double digits. 2 months shy of being a year old. I seriously cannot believe this. This has been the fastest year of my life yet I also feel like Lilly has been with me forever. It's a strange feeling. I just nursed her to sleep and laid her in the crib. Yes, the same crib that is still in our room. There was a time when I thought Lilly would never learn how to sleep in her crib. But with a little practice and a lot of patience she learned. There was a time where I wasn't sure if Lilly would ever use a bottle. But once again, with a little practice and a lot of patience she learned. There was a time where I wasn't sure if Lilly would ever be into eating baby food, crawl, or sleep through the night. And even though she still hasn't learned some of these things, she has learned so much in just 10 short months. She has learned things in her own way, on her own time schedule, at her own pace.

These are just a few more milestones that she has achieved over the past 10 months:

Scooting- Lilly is not into crawling the traditional way but she sure can scoot around on her bottom! We now have to watch her every move. It took Lilly a while to become mobile but that is just fine with me :-)

Pulling up/standing- Only when she really wants something!

New word- "uh oh" and she loves to say this while dropping toys over and over again.

Pointing- Lilly points at everything and says "dat". LOVE IT!

2 bottom teeth- Yes they are sharp. I know this because she has bit me a few times while nursing. That little stinker. It's ok though.. We are still going strong with breastfeeding and are closer to our goal each day!

Currently has her 3rd cold and this one has been the worst. We are so ready for spring! But on a happy note, no ear infections yet or anything that has required antibiotics!

Sleep schedule- Lilly wakes up about twice each night to nurse and the doctor told me it is perfectly fine to keep night nursing! I thought so too. I love those moments so much. It will be a sad day at my house when these days are over.

Favorite toy- Lilly loves blocks and they have to be knocked down immediately if you stack them up.

Weight- 19 lbs. Lilly is in between the 10th and 25% for weight and 25% for height. Petite little baby :-)

Hair- Lilly can wear bows now!

Favorite foods- Lilly really loves sweet corn and apples! She still snacks on puffs and yogurt bites (and no, we don't break then up into little pieces anymore... Hehe).

High five- Her cousin Cole taught her to give high fives in about 5 minutes. She learns so much and so fast when she is around her cousins. She loves them!

Babies grow and learn in so many different ways. I'm sure when I look back at this post in a few years our next baby will be completely different than Lilly. The most important thing is that they are healthy and happy. We love our Lilly Bug so much! Happy 10 months!

Pleasantly Surprised

Pregnancy. Some women love it. Some women hate it. I was one of the ones that loved it. I know it's not all 100% awesome. Sleep is hard and
cankles are not sexy. But I miss feeling those kicks and hiccups and I miss that big belly. It is just such a cool experience. But one of the coolest things that has happened since becoming pregnant and having Lilly is that my migraines are completely gone.

I was diagnosed with migraines in the 3rd grade after loads of test and doctor visits. I took medicine twice a day to treat them. I would still get migraines though, especially when the weather changed . That's what triggered mine. The last time I took my medicine was the day before I found out I was pregnant. August 4, 2011.

Doctors think that migraines are linked to estrogen so that is why a lot of pregnant women have migraine issues. And there are very few safe medicines to take while pregnant. But pregnancy can also have the opposite effect. I was so scared. After being so dependent on my migraine medicine, the same medicine I had been taking for 17 years, I just new I would have terrible headaches. But I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't have any migraine issues and I am still living migraine free 9 months after Lilly's birth without having to take any medicine.

Just another awesome surprise my sweet Lilly Bug has given me. Some women make it look easy. Others are miserable. But I think we can all agree that pregnancy is amazing.

Nothing But The Truth

People say "Having a baby is the hardest but most rewarding job" but they never go into detail about what makes it hard. These are the things that nobody tells you. And let's be honest. Who wants to tell a fat, overemotional pregnant women the "truth"? You might just sit back and smirk at her pregnancy glow because you know what's coming! Here are some scary truths and myths about babies.

Anybody ever tell you this... "oh all of those middle of the night pee breaks are just preparing you for the lack of sleep you will get when the baby is here." WRONG!!! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for that. It was the biggest and hardest shock of all. You don't sleep.. You take short cat naps. And it is scary to feel that tired. You will cry. Big fat alligator tears. And just as your body is starting to adjust to the cat naps your baby will punch you in the face with their first growth spurt.

Cutting your babies fingernails for the first time is scarier than all of the Halloween movies combined.

You will be obsessed with your babies poop. "Why are they pooping so much!?" "Why are they not pooping enough!?" "Honey come here! Does this look normal to you?" And watch out! Baby poop can come out faster than a bullet. Oh oh, and this is my favorite... You just changed their diaper only to hear the loudest and scariest sound ever 2 seconds later.

The saying "sleep like a baby" is a bunch of malarky. Babies are the loudest sleepers on the planet. They will make all kinds of crazy noises. So even when they are asleep, your cat nap will be interrupted with their dolphin noises. And when you don't hear the dolphin noises you are jumping up to make sure they are still breathing.

Giving your baby a bath for the first time is scarier than forgetting your pin number at the grocery store with a long line of customers behind you. Is the water to warm? Did soap get in her eyes? Did her belly button thing get wet? Did she pee in the water?

You will all of a sudden have no issues yelling and beeping your horn at idiot drivers. "Don't you know I have a precious baby in this car!!!?" And if somebody gets to close to your car you will have visions of running them off the road. Or a cliff. A very steep cliff.

Taking your babies temperature for the first time is scarier than dreaming you went to work with no clothes on. PLEASE DEAR LORD DO NOT MOVE!

Every sneeze and cough will scare you. "I just KNOW she is allergic to the dog". "Does this sound like whooping cough to you?"

The good news is that you will look back on all of these "scary" things and laugh. You will make it through each scary obstacle. And you will learn SO much! And none of these scary things will make you love being a mom any less. Embrace it and go with the flow! :-)

Keep On Keeping On

Guess who's getting her first tooth!? Yep... It's happening, like for real this time, and Lilly has been pretty miserable. Lots of love and TLC and teething tablets and nursing. I actually celebrated the new year nursing Lilly at midnight. It's hard to believe that it's been almost 9 months of breastfeeding for us. I would like to share my mothers first breastfeeding experience with my oldest brother. It gives me motivation!

When my brother was born in the mid 70's nursing wasn't very popular. My mom still wanted to breastfeed even though she didn't have much support besides my father. Her lamaze coach was very pro-breastfeeding and gave her lots of advice while she was pregnant. She even warned her of all the negative things people might say. She felt very prepared to breastfeed. Well, the time came to have my brother. Back then the husbands were not allowed in the delivery room and you were not allowed to leave the hospital until your milk came in. I'm pretty sure I would not have survived this! After Greg was born my mom was trying to breastfeed him. The nurses gave her zero support and told her she should be supplementing and that the baby was hungry. They didn't understand anything about colostrum or feeding on demand. And get this... The fathers had to LEAVE THE ROOM when it was time to nurse! So not only was she getting fussed at by the nurses, but her own husband couldn't even be in the room to help her. And to top it off, the nurses were only bringing my brother to her every 4 hours and they were giving him WATER in between feedings. My mom started to feel like she was doing something wrong.

Let's compare... The first time I nursed Lilly I had Mike, my parents, and my cousin in the room. The nurses were telling me how great I was doing. I was on cloud 9.

Ok, I promise this story has a happy ending but is your blood boiling like mine is right now!?

It was day 4 in the hospital and my moms milk still had not come in. She spent a lot of time crying. She was about to give up and give in. Then this one doctor came in and asked her if she was the mom that was nursing. He told her how she was doing such a wonderful job and how proud he was of her. Her milk came in that night. And she was able to breastfeed my brother for a year.

My mom said she only new a handful of other mothers that were nursing. They decided to form a club. They would get together and support each other. Come to find out they all had the same horrible experiences at the hospital. One mom even said that a nurse shook her finger in front of her face for choosing to nurse. So they decided to put together a presentation for the director of the hospital and inform them of things that other hospitals were doing and how to be more supportive of breastfeeding moms. The director loved it. The nurses hated it. But a lot of the rules changed after that. They even started allowing fathers to be in the delivery room.

Amazing.

So here's to 2013 and all of the milestones and nursing to come! It's going to be a great year!

Mother May I

Remember that blog I posted, The No Cry Sleep Solution? Yeah, we can throw that one out the window. There has been a lot of changes going on lately. These are changes that needed to happen and they have made things so much better! I knew we had to do something when I picked up Lilly from daycare one day last week. I usually talk to her all the way home. That day I didn't say a word. I was so exhausted from the night before. I couldn't even find the energy to ask her how her day was. I needed sleep. That realization slapped me in the face so hard that I'm pretty sure my grandma felt it.

My last post stated that we were going to start keeping Lilly in her crib and letting her learn how to soothe herself back to sleep. Co-sleeping was not working for us anymore because Lilly was waking up multiple times a night and wanting to nurse back to sleep, just for comfort. I emailed my sister-in-law and asked for advice. She told me exactly what they did with Cole and how much it has helped. Jenn said something that really hit home. She said that when they decided to let Cole learn how to self soothe it was like she needed permission from somebody. In her case it was her sister-in-law that walked her through it. This was so true for me. I felt like I needed permission to do what we were about to do. Jenn granted me that permission.

Night one- Last Sunday was our first attempt at keeping Lilly in her crib. I nursed her until she was almost asleep and laid her down. She immediately started crying. Crap. I took a nice long shower and Mike stood over Lilly and rubbed her. When I got out of the shower she was still fussing. Crap. We turned on the baby monitor and left the room. She stopped crying a few minutes later. We survived. Lilly wasn't even crying real tears. It was more of a "I'm so mad at you" cry. Lilly woke up 3 times that night. I nursed her once. But all I had to do the other times were reach my hand through the crib and rub her and she would go right back to sleep. I knew in the morning that Lilly would hate me. I was so worried that she would be in a bad mood but the complete opposite happened. Lilly was the happiest she had been in a long time in the morning! This showed us that she had slept much better in her crib!

Night two- Mike had a meeting Monday night so bedtime was all on me. Crap. I just knew she was going to cry and cry and I was going to cave in. I nursed her and laid her down and waited for the world to end BUT she fell right asleep. No crying. No tears. IT WAS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!! She woke up twice that night and went right back to sleep with no issues. I have never slept so good in my whole life. I felt like a brand new person.

Night 3- Lilly slept until 3:45am people! This was almost an 8 hour stretch. I nursed her and she went right back to sleep. Amazing.

Every night has continued to be about the same. She wakes up twice at the most but it's not for long. I am hoping that she can stay on this schedule as best we can while we are home visiting family for the holidays. She also continues to wake up happy and well rested in the mornings.

I definitely thought this process was going to be absolutely horrible. I had painted this awful picture in my head about letting Lilly cry and self soothe. A lot of that came from reading stuff online. I think reading and learning is awesome and super helpful but sometimes it can do the opposite. I read stories of babies throwing up in their cribs from crying so much. Yeah, not the best thing to read! But we had our own technique of how we were going to do this. We stay and rub her if we need to. She has a toy that plays soft music that helps soothe her. We give ourselves time limits as to how long we will let her fuss. We would never ignore her and let her cry herself sick. That's just not a realistic picture of how this works. And I know that now. Lilly has gone from waking and nursing 5+ times a night to waking once or twice. And it's only been a week! Another thing that really helped me stay strong was that I had a few people that I was texting each morning to let them know about our night. This held me accountable! And they were so encouraging! So thank you Amy and mom! You have helped me in so many ways!

This was something that I had to be 100% ready to do. I couldn't have done this even a day earlier than we did. Each day I am learning more and more and trusting those mommy instincts. I have also learned to never say never. Things are going to come up and your initial opinion about things will change. And that is OKAY. It is all part of the learning process!

So proud of our Lilly Bug!

Mommy Meltdown

99.9% of mommy hood has been AMAZING! We are blessed beyond belief to have sweet Lilly. She is such a happy and beautiful baby. We shopped for 3 straight hours on Saturday and she was just as happy as she could be strolling around the mall. We picked her up from the church nursery today and they told us she was the happiest baby in there. She gives us the best smiles and laughs. She is most definitely our favorite person. So what about that other .1%... As much as I hate admitting this... Sometimes being a parent (and a new parent at that) can be hard. I don't know why that's hard to say? Everybody knows it's true. I hit a rough patch this week. I said things I NEVER thought I would say. And my wonderful husband was right there to pull me back up.

As you all know, Lilly is the worst sleeper on the planet. We are going on month 3 of no sleep. MONTH 3!!! That one month where she slept through the night was a cruel joke. I've read books. I've done research. I've asked other mommies. I truly believe that Lilly associates nursing with sleep. So every time she wakes up at night she immediately thinks she needs to nurse. So I spend most of my nights nursing her back to sleep. Thursday night I tried a little experiment. She fell asleep at 7:45. I pumped a small bottle and had it ready. She woke up at 9:15. She starts out with a whine that will turn into a full out cry. I picked her up and tried the bottle. That was one pissed baby. She wanted nothing to do with the bottle. So I laid her next to me and let her cry. Yep... I refused to nurse her. Gasp! I knew she wasn't hungry. I patted her belly. She fell back asleep within 20 minutes. This was a huge breakthrough!!! She fell asleep without nursing!!!! But she preceded to wake up at 2, 3, 4, and 5:30... This was my breaking point. I felt so frustrated and hopeless. Nobody else's baby is doing this! She gets plenty of milk and food during the day. She just has no idea how to put herself back to sleep. And I blame myself for this. This is what I have to teach her.

I left for work feeling super emotional. During my planning period I went into my little room where I pump. I had a text from Mike asking me if I was ok. And then it just all came out like one huge therapy session. I told him how frustrated I was that Lilly wasn't sleeping well... how my back is sore from the way I have to sleep... how I feel like nobody can relate to this... And then I said the worst thing of all. I told him I was beginning to hate breastfeeding and that I was just so over it. That's when Mike said the most encouraging words to me. They were the most perfect words said at the most perfect time.

"But think of all the good you have done for Lilly by breastfeeding. Babe don't get discouraged you are an outstanding mommy. This is just a tiny obstacle we will overcome. I will help you. You have done what benefits Lilly the most!"

And then I start crying in my little pumping closet.

There is no way I would have made it this far without Mike. The way he has supported me and guided me throughout this process has been absolutely amazing. Lilly has brought out a side of my husband that I've never seen before. And it all started the second she was born. He changed every single diaper at that hospital. He was right there beside me every time it was feeding time. He treats Lilly like a little princess. He can even make her laugh while cleaning out her nose. He is my rock. And I don't tell him that enough.

This IS just a tiny obstacle that we will overcome. Lilly will learn how to sleep in her own bed without nursing. I will sleep again too. And all will be right with the world... Until our next obstacle arises. We are going to focus on keeping her in the crib and letting her learn how to soothe herself back to sleep. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be worth it.

And I don't hate breastfeeding. :-)