Mommy Meltdown

99.9% of mommy hood has been AMAZING! We are blessed beyond belief to have sweet Lilly. She is such a happy and beautiful baby. We shopped for 3 straight hours on Saturday and she was just as happy as she could be strolling around the mall. We picked her up from the church nursery today and they told us she was the happiest baby in there. She gives us the best smiles and laughs. She is most definitely our favorite person. So what about that other .1%... As much as I hate admitting this... Sometimes being a parent (and a new parent at that) can be hard. I don't know why that's hard to say? Everybody knows it's true. I hit a rough patch this week. I said things I NEVER thought I would say. And my wonderful husband was right there to pull me back up.

As you all know, Lilly is the worst sleeper on the planet. We are going on month 3 of no sleep. MONTH 3!!! That one month where she slept through the night was a cruel joke. I've read books. I've done research. I've asked other mommies. I truly believe that Lilly associates nursing with sleep. So every time she wakes up at night she immediately thinks she needs to nurse. So I spend most of my nights nursing her back to sleep. Thursday night I tried a little experiment. She fell asleep at 7:45. I pumped a small bottle and had it ready. She woke up at 9:15. She starts out with a whine that will turn into a full out cry. I picked her up and tried the bottle. That was one pissed baby. She wanted nothing to do with the bottle. So I laid her next to me and let her cry. Yep... I refused to nurse her. Gasp! I knew she wasn't hungry. I patted her belly. She fell back asleep within 20 minutes. This was a huge breakthrough!!! She fell asleep without nursing!!!! But she preceded to wake up at 2, 3, 4, and 5:30... This was my breaking point. I felt so frustrated and hopeless. Nobody else's baby is doing this! She gets plenty of milk and food during the day. She just has no idea how to put herself back to sleep. And I blame myself for this. This is what I have to teach her.

I left for work feeling super emotional. During my planning period I went into my little room where I pump. I had a text from Mike asking me if I was ok. And then it just all came out like one huge therapy session. I told him how frustrated I was that Lilly wasn't sleeping well... how my back is sore from the way I have to sleep... how I feel like nobody can relate to this... And then I said the worst thing of all. I told him I was beginning to hate breastfeeding and that I was just so over it. That's when Mike said the most encouraging words to me. They were the most perfect words said at the most perfect time.

"But think of all the good you have done for Lilly by breastfeeding. Babe don't get discouraged you are an outstanding mommy. This is just a tiny obstacle we will overcome. I will help you. You have done what benefits Lilly the most!"

And then I start crying in my little pumping closet.

There is no way I would have made it this far without Mike. The way he has supported me and guided me throughout this process has been absolutely amazing. Lilly has brought out a side of my husband that I've never seen before. And it all started the second she was born. He changed every single diaper at that hospital. He was right there beside me every time it was feeding time. He treats Lilly like a little princess. He can even make her laugh while cleaning out her nose. He is my rock. And I don't tell him that enough.

This IS just a tiny obstacle that we will overcome. Lilly will learn how to sleep in her own bed without nursing. I will sleep again too. And all will be right with the world... Until our next obstacle arises. We are going to focus on keeping her in the crib and letting her learn how to soothe herself back to sleep. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be worth it.

And I don't hate breastfeeding. :-)