Doctor's Orders

This blog post is going to be more of a rant. Lilly had her 12 month checkup Friday afternoon. I left the appointment completely devastated and bawling my eyes out. Lilly is fine. Lilly is more than fine. Let me start from the beginning...

Lilly is still on 90% breast milk with just a few ounces of whole milk being mixed in with her bottles at daycare. We are still breast feeding at home and I'm still pumping at work (ugh!). Someday's Lilly eats pretty well at daycare and other days shes not into it. We struggle at home to get anything in that child's mouth that is not a gold fish, puff, cheerio, yogurt bite, or cheese. We have let her play with the food. We have tried to feed her with a spoon. We have let her take the spoon. We have used a "sneak attack" approach to get food in her mouth. We have played games. We have tried and tried and tried. I've even let her watch a YouTube video of another baby eating food... Monkey see monkey do, right? Sometimes we are successful. Most of the time it ends up on the floor and Jake gets a 2nd dinner. Sometimes Lilly gags just by looking at the food. The point is, we try all different types of food every day.

Well, I brought this up as a concern at Lilly's appointment. The doctor pulled up Lilly's charts for weight, height, and head circumference. She had hardly grown since her 9 month appointment (only gained 12 ounces) which puts her at 18 lbs 15 ounces. The doctor said Lilly had fallen off the charts and labeled her "Failure to Thrive".

FAILURE TO THRIVE

She then preceded to ask me a bunch of questions about my breast milk.
"Has it changed color?" No.
"Are you pumping less?" No.
"Do you eat enough calories?" Yes.
"Does Lilly seem satisfied after nursing?" Yes.

The doctor then decided that it was time for Lilly to wean. Cold turkey. Over night.
She told me to stop breastfeeding ASAP and only give Lilly Pediasure. She said that my breast milk probably didn't have that many calories in it and we needed to plump her up with this high calorie drink, especially since most of her calories are coming from milk and not table foods. She seemed very concerned. She told me to even give Lilly a bottle of the Pediasure when she wakes up at night. ONLY PEDIASURE. She was very clear about this. She also referred us to a nutritionist through ECU that will meet with us and help us find ways to get Lilly to eat more table food. She told me to come back in 2 weeks for a weight check. And her last comment was, "Well, you nursed her for a year so it's time".

There are so so so many things I wish I would have said to her. But I was totally unprepared for this news and just stood there staring at her like a sad puppy dog. My child had just been labeled "failure to thrive". I did tell her that Lilly was meeting all of her milestones and that she is even saying lots of words but she didn't seem to care.

By the time I made it to my car to call Mike I was a complete mess. He came and met me in the parking lot and reassured me that Lilly was going to be ok and that we would get through this. How was I supposed to stop nursing over night!? Does she even know my child! Lilly would completely freak out if I tried to give her a bottle of this thick, smelly chocolate Pediasure in the middle of the night. But I felt so trapped and confused and didn't know what to do. When we got home I offered Lilly some of the samples that the doctor gave me. She drank a small amount of it. I did continue to nurse her all weekend and offer the Pediasure as well. She probably only drank about an ounce of it the whole weekend. We went to the store and bought anything and everything that we thought Lilly would eat. We bought some vanilla flavored Pediasure for daycare. I reached out to some of my other friends for advice. Everybody thought that was crazy. I wanted to believe it was crazy too but a part of me felt so guilty and concerned. I felt like I had not been giving Lilly the calories that she needed in my breast milk. And after all that hard work. After reaching our goal of 1 year. It was a bad feeling.

That's when I remembered the wonderful lactation specialist at our local hospital and how they had helped me so much in the beginning. I gave them a call and the lady listened as I told her the whole story. She told me not to stop nursing that baby and to come in on Monday so they could test the calories in my breast milk. She reminded me that nursing is more than a food thing. It's for comfort and protection and it's not something you just stop overnight. She said it just sounded like Lilly needed a few more calories from table food and to keep offering food.

So, yesterday I sent 1 bottle of the Pediasure to daycare and Lilly absolutely refused to drink it.. and I don't blame her! I went up to the hospital after work and brought my bag of milk and Lilly's growth charts from her 9 and 12 month appointment. After looking over her charts, we realized that it said CDC chart for boys. BOYS!!! Why didn't I see this before! The CDC chart is a generic chart for all babies, formula fed or breast fed. She charted out Lilly's growth on the WHO chart which is for breast fed babies only. Yes, Lilly had definitely plateaued between 9 and 12 months but she was still on the chart! Then she looked over the results from my milk....

Not only does my milk have the same amount of calories as the Pediasure, my milk has MORE calories than most people. I wanted to kiss that lady on the lips. And then I wanted to shove these papers in the doctors face and say "SEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! My milk is FINE and we will continue to nurse as long as we want to!"

We are still going to meet with the nutritionist and see if they can help us get more table food in Lilly. And I have switched doctors and will see a more breastfeeding friendly doctor that the lactation lady recommended. Doctors are not perfect. They are regular people just like you and me. And sometimes they might say things you don't like. But that's when you have the choice to see somebody else that fits your needs or personality.

I couldn't hear my mommy instinct yelling at me all weekend because the doctors voice was ringing in my ear. But I hear her now and I know that Lilly Bug is going to be fine. We went out to dinner last night and tried to give Lilly some table food. She didn't want any. But we kept trying anyways. And we will keep trying every single day. And one day she will eat it. And one day she will probably even be taller than me... running around outside, taking swim lessons, or soccer, or dance, or whatever she wants to do. And we will continue to encourage her every step of the way.

One and Done?

Another milestone has come and gone. Lilly Bug is OFFICIALLY one year old. We managed to avoid the stomach bug even though most of her family members had it but she still ended up sick on her birthday with a fever and another nasty cold. I can't wait to tell her how she threw her cupcake on the ground one day... A memory I will hold close to my heart always. She is so blessed and has so many friends and family that love her.

Thursday also marked another milestone for us... We reached our breastfeeding goal! I have nursed that baby every single day for a whole year. We hit some rough spots along the way but we made it through thrush, nursing strikes, biting, and a mommy meltdown. And it has been 100% totally worth it. But it took a village! There are SO many people that have helped us reach our goal. So this post is a BIG THANK YOU to everybody that has helped us.

It all started at the hospital with the awesome nurses and lactation specialist. They made me feel like a superhero and gave me the tools I needed for those crazy first weeks at home.

Family members that let me nurse out in the open without having to go hide. This helped me to feel normal and still be able to enjoy our family visits.

Friends who have asked me questions or needed support themselves. It feels good to pass along what I've learned to others that want advice.

Coworkers who have let me use their closet to pump in or covered my class when I needed to go pump and made me pump after work when I dreaded it the most. And never once did they make me feel embarrassed. (Especially you, Julie and Mrs. Wiggins and Miss Kee!!!)

Friends who have let me pump out in the open during girls weekend and cracked jokes with me (that's you Liz, Diane, and Kristen!)

And most importantly, my super duper supportive husband who has helped me every step of the way. He might even be a bigger supporter of breastfeeding than I am! And not just because he gets to see my boobs all the time. ;-)

People have been asking me "what now" since we have reached our goal. I have no idea how to answer this question. Are we "one and done" when it comes to breastfeeding? I thought I might be ready to give it up after a year but I'm not feeling ready just yet and I think Lilly would agree. Especially since she can now say "nurrrr" for nurse. I'll finish out the school year pumping at work and then I'll see what this summer brings. My favorite motto is "go with the flow" and that is exactly what we will do.

Baby Maybe?

Well.. It's here. Lilly's first birthday is in 3 days. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! This time last year I was 38 weeks pregnant and dreaded going to work and being on my fat pregnant feet. I was counting down the days until spring break so I could relax and get the house ready for our new roommate that was suppose to make her appearance April 16th. All of her clothes were washed and put away and I even had her hospital bag packed. Mike and I talked about what a huge baby hog I was going to be and we wondered what she would look like. How much would she weigh? Would she have hair? Well, we didn't have to wait too much longer to find out that she weighed 6 lbs 11 ounces and looked just like her daddy. I've learned so much this year.

There were a lot of questions and emotions that we had before we decided to try to have a baby. We went back and forth all summer long. Were we ready? Could we afford it? Would we be able to survive without sleeping in on the weekends? It is such a huge decision. I prayed about it. And then, ready or not, here she comes! These are a few things I would tell my pre-baby self:

Don't worry about money. If you wait until you can afford to have a child then you will NEVER have one (and having grandmas that buy the baby something every time they go shopping helps too!).

Sleep is overrated. You will be AMAZED at what you can do on little to no sleep. And those early Saturday mornings playing in the bed will be the best part of your day.

Enjoy chewing your food and taking your time at restaurants because once the baby gets here you will have to scarf it down in one huge bite... At least for a little while. :-)

You will find that buying things for your baby is so much more fun than buying things for yourself.

Don't register for or buy a bunch of bottles because your baby might be picky...

Baby bedding is super cute and it's something you feel like you have to buy but you won't use it.

What you think you know will completely change after having a baby. Never say never. (Ex: I will never let the baby sleep in the bed).

Always remember, momma knows best! Follow your mommy instincts.

Enjoy using the bathroom by yourself.

Don't worry...You will still have days where nobody gets out of their pj's.

And the most important thing to know is that there is nothing like it. It is a decision that you will never regret and a love like no other.

Don't Blink

Everybody told me not to, but I did.

I blinked.

I found out about you on August 5, 2011. I was ecstatic, nervous, overjoyed, and so blessed. Then I blinked.

We found out you were going to be a girl on November 9, 2011. A little girl that I could dress up with bows. A little girl that I could have tea parties with. A little girl that stole her daddy's heart. Then I blinked.

I felt kicks and hiccups and I swore you were living in my ribcage. My ankles were huge and my back hurt. I craved anything sweet or sour. I loved protecting you in my belly. We decided to name you Lillian Grace. Your daddy picked out that name. We decorated your nursery and washed all of your new tiny clothes. We took our
baby class so we would know what to do. We were so excited to meet you.. to hold you.. to kiss your sweet face. Then I blinked.

My water broke at 38 weeks at 3:00 am. We rushed to the hospital at 5 am and you were born 4 hours later. You needed a little oxygen after your journey into this world. Your daddy stood right beside you the whole time. He made sure you were ok. He didn't take his eyes off you. Then you got to lay on mommy's chest. You got to feel my heartbeat and I got to feel yours. I nursed you and let you sleep after your big day. I gave you enough kisses to last a lifetime. I prayed and thanked God for you. We passed you around to family and friends who had traveled to meet you. Then I blinked.

We brought you home and adjusted to our new life with you. We held you and bathed you and changed your diapers. We went on stroller rides and family vacations. You learned how to roll over and sit up. You started daycare and mommy went back to work. You slept in the middle of mommy and daddy and nursed all night long some nights but we didn't mind. We would do anything for you. You were safe and sound and loved very much. You hated your bottles and crib but you learned to like both. You were perfect to us in every way. You were our little Lilly Bug. Then I blinked.

Now you can pull up and cruise around the furniture. You scoot on your bottom and you even started crawling. You say so many sounds and wave bye bye and blow kisses. You can play patty cake and feed your baby doll her bottle. You have two bottom teeth and bright blue eyes. You are so smart in so many ways.

I blinked again and now you will be 1 year old in three weeks. This has been the fastest year of my life. A lot of your baby things have been moved to the attic to make room for your new big girl toys. You have brought so much joy into our hearts. We are so excited about our next year with you Lilly Grace. We promise to have patience and let you learn and explore. We promise to kiss your booboos and tickle your belly. We promise to love you unconditionally and keep you safe.

First we had each other, then we had you, and now we have everything. We love you sweet girl.

A person's a person, no matter how small."

Blessed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about having a healthy and happy child.

I just stumbled across a news article about a little girl that has an extremely rare disease that will eventually kill her. She is 9 months old. She is not expected to live past 1 year. There was a link to her mothers blog so I read through that as well. It left me in tears. But instead of going home and waiting they have made a bucket list for their daughter of all the fun things they want her to experience in her short little life. A trip to Disney World. Tea parties. A ride in a convertible! How incredible.

I physically and mentally cannot wrap my brain around what that must be like for their family. Now that I have a child of my own, stories like this affect me 10x more, because only after having a child could you understand how painful it would be to lose them.

So like I said, I am so very blessed to have this perfectly healthy and happy child. She is the reason why I am late for work every morning. She is the reason why I cannot wait to leave every afternoon. She is the reason why I don't bring work home. She is the reason why I sing kid songs in my head all day. She is the reason why I'm counting down the days until summer. She is the reason why I know how the greatest love in the world feels.

I finally laid her in her crib after she slept on my chest for a good hour...And as crazy as this sounds, I pray that she wakes up tonight so I can get in one extra cuddling session. I don't think I will ever look back at this time and say "I held that baby way to much." Nope!

"A person's a person, no matter how small." - Dr. Seuss

Below is a link to the news article and blog. Love your babies every chance you get!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/2013/02/28/quinn-linzer-dying-9-month-old-bucket-list_n_2783310.html

Is This the End?

February... the shortest month of the year and a very emotional one for me. Lilly has decided to cram as many milestones into this month as she possibly can. Let me start from the beginning.

Lilly was sick for about the first 15 days of this month. She had a nasty cold and a horrible cough. She went to the doctor. She threw up at daycare a few times. I thought I was going to die if I heard that cough one more time. It was so painful to see her sick and miserable. I spent many nights sitting up in bed holding her so she could breathe. I was so glad to kiss that cold goodbye. Once she started feeling better things started to get a little crazy.

I could hardly get Lilly to nurse last weekend. She was so distracted and would only nurse for a minute here and there.

Monday morning came and I was in the kitchen while Mike showered and Lilly slept. I went back into the bedroom to find Lilly standing up in her crib. I was so startled that I screamed! She hadn't been able to figure out how to sit up from laying flat but I guess she woke up and decided today is the day! I was so proud! But with every milestone comes an emotional reaction too. My baby is growing up! She continued to do it over and over. Mike lowered the crib.

I picked Lilly up from daycare and once again she refused to nurse. By 7:00 she still hadn't nursed even though I offered a million times. I decided to warm up a bottle and she guzzled it down. Let me repeat that sentence. Lilly guzzled a bottle... from me... instead of nursing...

I was in shock. Lilly never takes bottles from me and she never refuses to nurse. I cried. Mike was at a meeting. I cried some more when he got home. Could this be the end? Lilly fell asleep in her crib. Around 11:00 Mike woke me up and pointed. Lilly was sitting up smiling at us. That little stinker. She did nurse in the middle of the night and Tuesday morning.

Tuesday night went the same way. Lilly was not interested in nursing. I gave her another bottle. Mike rocked her to sleep. I felt a tad bit jealous.

By Wednesday night I was convinced that Lilly was self-weaning. I had to use my last bag of milk from the freezer stash. I stared at the empty freezer. I couldn't believe it was all gone. I was pumping much less at work since she was nursing less. I knew that if this continued I was going to have to start supplementing her bottles and mix in some regular milk. I got some advice from some mommy friends on how to go about doing this. I cried some more. I kept thinking about the first time I nursed Lilly. It is a moment that I will cherish forever. It was perfect. I was in awe of her. She held my finger with her little hand. Tears fell down my face onto her fresh new baby skin. I was so in love. I will never forget that moment. It felt so right and natural and I knew it was something we would be doing for a long time. And now we were coming to the end of our journey. How did we get here so quickly?

Thursday afternoon we went to the grocery store to buy some organic whole milk. I had pumped enough for daycare for the following day but if Lilly took another bottle that night I was going to have to replace some milk with the organic milk. I carefully read the labels on each carton until I found what I thought was the best. I teared up in line. By the time I got to the car it was a full out cry. I wanted so badly to make it to our goal of 1 year before I offered anything other than breastmilk. I felt so disappointed. Was it something I did?

That night Lilly nursed herself to sleep with no bottle. I felt so relieved but I wasn't sure if we were in the clear just yet. I was worried about the weekend and not being able to pump enough if she didn't want to nurse.

Well, she must of missed her two breastfriends because she has been nursing with no bottles all weekend. I gave Lilly more bottles in this one week than I've ever given her! I'm hoping this was just a phase and Lilly was so distracted because of all the new and fun things she has learned this week. On top of learning how to get up, she is now pulling up on everything and cruising around the furniture. She is a completely different baby than she was last week. Maybe she will be taking some steps by her birthday after all.

I moved the carton of milk to the back of the fridge so it wasn't staring me in the face every time I opened it. Hopefully we won't have to use it for a few more weeks. Even though my goal was a year, I'm not sure if I am ready for this. I'm just going to follow Lilly's cues and see what she wants to do. If i have to start supplementing then it won't be the end of the world. But if she wants to go longer than a year then I am totally down! Nurse on!

Double Digits

Well... Lilly is 10 months old. 10 months. Double digits. 2 months shy of being a year old. I seriously cannot believe this. This has been the fastest year of my life yet I also feel like Lilly has been with me forever. It's a strange feeling. I just nursed her to sleep and laid her in the crib. Yes, the same crib that is still in our room. There was a time when I thought Lilly would never learn how to sleep in her crib. But with a little practice and a lot of patience she learned. There was a time where I wasn't sure if Lilly would ever use a bottle. But once again, with a little practice and a lot of patience she learned. There was a time where I wasn't sure if Lilly would ever be into eating baby food, crawl, or sleep through the night. And even though she still hasn't learned some of these things, she has learned so much in just 10 short months. She has learned things in her own way, on her own time schedule, at her own pace.

These are just a few more milestones that she has achieved over the past 10 months:

Scooting- Lilly is not into crawling the traditional way but she sure can scoot around on her bottom! We now have to watch her every move. It took Lilly a while to become mobile but that is just fine with me :-)

Pulling up/standing- Only when she really wants something!

New word- "uh oh" and she loves to say this while dropping toys over and over again.

Pointing- Lilly points at everything and says "dat". LOVE IT!

2 bottom teeth- Yes they are sharp. I know this because she has bit me a few times while nursing. That little stinker. It's ok though.. We are still going strong with breastfeeding and are closer to our goal each day!

Currently has her 3rd cold and this one has been the worst. We are so ready for spring! But on a happy note, no ear infections yet or anything that has required antibiotics!

Sleep schedule- Lilly wakes up about twice each night to nurse and the doctor told me it is perfectly fine to keep night nursing! I thought so too. I love those moments so much. It will be a sad day at my house when these days are over.

Favorite toy- Lilly loves blocks and they have to be knocked down immediately if you stack them up.

Weight- 19 lbs. Lilly is in between the 10th and 25% for weight and 25% for height. Petite little baby :-)

Hair- Lilly can wear bows now!

Favorite foods- Lilly really loves sweet corn and apples! She still snacks on puffs and yogurt bites (and no, we don't break then up into little pieces anymore... Hehe).

High five- Her cousin Cole taught her to give high fives in about 5 minutes. She learns so much and so fast when she is around her cousins. She loves them!

Babies grow and learn in so many different ways. I'm sure when I look back at this post in a few years our next baby will be completely different than Lilly. The most important thing is that they are healthy and happy. We love our Lilly Bug so much! Happy 10 months!