I AM A HOT MESS.
I have cried and cried and cried some more. Just like the first time Lilly started daycare. Only this time is way different. Lilly is very aware and knows when I leave the room. Lilly is very attached to me (as I am to her!). Lilly only has a hand full of foods she will eat. And Lilly is SO MUCH FUN right now, which makes the thought of being away from her all day almost unbearable. How am I going to do this you guys? I physically feel like I can't do it. I can't leave her. I want the summer to go on forever. I would give up all of the other seasons just to have this hot, humid, sticky summer forever.
But... Sigh.... I don't have a choice. I have to go back to work. I have to go back to reality. I have to get back into a routine. So, to prepare ourselves for this dreaded day, I've been taking Lilly to daycare this week for an hour or two so she can play and get to know her new teacher and so I could see what she will be doing in her new classroom. It's not like the nursery. It's a big girl room, where they do big girl stuff, like nap on a mat instead of a crib (or mommy's lap), eat their lunch at a table, and learn their colors and ABC's. I'm not sure what scares me more... The napping on a mat or eating the food that they serve at daycare or no more nursing during the day. During our visit today we decided to stay for lunch to see what Lilly would do. All of the other 4 toddlers washed their hands, sat at the table, and ate their orange slices, green beans, and noodles like a BOSS. Then they cleaned up, found their mat, and laid down for their nap. Not one kid cried, fussed, or threw food on the floor.... And then there was Lilly....
After I finally convinced her to sit in her chair, she played with her spoon. She refused to put any of it in her mouth. She refused to drink any milk out of the sippy cup. She put oranges on the floor. She said no no no to all of it. Then she got up and wanted to play with the toys. My heart fell all the way to my feet and the mommy guilt came pouring in. I try and try and try to offer new foods, but do I try enough? Were all of those awesome summer cuddling naps a huge mistake? Should I have tried to wean her this summer?
Now, I know that toddlers are so resilient and catch on super fast... And I know that Lilly will learn to do these things too. But I also know that these first few weeks back are going to be very tough. Will she eat their food? Or will she be hungry because mommy isn't there to offer her something she likes... Like pickles... Or peanut butter... Or cheese. My heart was so heavy after today's visit. I just want Lilly to eat like all the other kids.
So tonight at dinner Mike said a prayer, and I said an extra silent prayer that Lilly would learn to eat better... And what happened next is an example of how God answers prayers immediately sometimes. Lilly ate an ENTIRE slice of pizza, pepperonis and all!!!!!!! This is the first time anything like this has ever happened in her 16 months of life. I wanted to do cartwheels across the restaurant. And just like that, my anxiety was gone (well, almost gone). I will never regret those extra cuddles we shared this summer or nursing Lilly longer than I ever thought I would. Life is short. Lilly is going to be fine. Mommy is going to be fine. And the wheels in the sky will keep on turning.
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